Dear F.M.N.C

A phase of life seems so beautiful and unforgettable especially when it nears its end….

I felt it when my school days in St. Theresa’s was ending, when my school days in Amrita were ending….true, I still feel the same…but the feeling that ‘existence beyond this would be bland’ vanished much before I thought it would…I never found college life as wonderful or golden as many say...I simply fail to attach any such flowery adjective to my college life….maybe because I always compare it to my two wonderful school life experiences; I mean all aspects…the principal, the teachers, the classmates, the non teaching staff, the psychological environment, everything…The college is so different. Supposedly more free than school; but everything and anything the student does is scrutinized under the glare of suspicion .maybe that is just the characteristic of my college, which is unanimously adjudged by the students as lower primary school...Hehehe…but that too seems weird; a college that is famous and reputed provides a different life from that of a local college where no one cares what u do and have no concern about reaping good results or good individuals. Then what is the real college life? The one a reputed college provides or the one the normal college gives? should we compromise with our future for being able to enjoy the college life?...i knew I don’t want to compromise with it…I didn’t care about having a good time…I already had lots and knew would have more fun days ahead if I make something out of myself..

So college life was quite without excitement for me. it was quite automatic..Studies, my beloved extra-curricular, my books, the library….

But now when I have just months left before I bid adieu to this campus ; I look back and can remember so many events that make me think, I was lucky to have come here to study…I’ll miss this college life, my classmates, my seniors, my juniors, the department, the professors, our “Achhayan”(our lab assistant, we call him achhayan-his name is Yesudas and he is also a writer with many Malayalam books to his credit.),the Achhayans of Botany Department which is next to our department, the Achhayans in the library, the girls canteen, the ice cream parlor of our college, the cooperative store…….

I’ll miss u F.M.N.C………………. :-(

Blogging

Blogging has sort of become my hobby. Mmm…not bad. At least it would save me the amount I yearly spend on diaries. I enjoy and love reading the diaries I have written before; at times they seem too silly to be true. However it’s nice to get in touch with the emotions I experienced in past situations; although the situation elicits a very different emotion/reaction in me now….but I love the innocence, the naive ness in me then….5 years down the lane, when I turn back and read this, maybe ill have similar feelings...Hehehe

Another good thing is ill be able to get myself in the reach of farther generations. my diaries will hardly last till my children’s generation ;-)…but blogs will surely get to my great great grandchildren. They’ll know how their great great grandmother was and a bond of familiarity will be maintained with my “Blood-lings” much after I’m gone…hehehe…sounds silly, huh???

Yep!!!My silly evaluations of the past, silly visions of the unseen future ….and the seemingly sane present.........

Best Friends

Mmm…a very touchy issue. I make myself to get into that part of my memories; and I’ll ruin my mood for the entire week. So I abort my thoughts here itself.

I’ll get back to the topic when am in such a good emotional state that nothing would take me downhill the slope…

See, this is the disadvantage of being an emotional fool!!!

Missing Old Days!!!

This is the first time in my life that I haven’t kept my Books for saraswati pooja…..so much to study and a seminar to be conducted on Tuesday, I can’t afford to lose 2 days of study time……but I miss my pooja holidays…..when I look back, pooja holidays were so beautiful, but when I try looking into the future pooja holidays seem blank….would I be able to keep Books on pooja next year? Would time allow that? Or is this part of the year never gonna give me those carefree 2 days of frolic ever again, unlike yester years???

Childhood, I miss you!!!

Birthdays

Birthdays used to seem so important when I was a kid……now they seem so much like an ordinary day…as a kid I used to start counting the days left for my birthday from mid-august itself…now, I don’t feel the excitement even on 21st eve….never mind…till now, my 18th,20th and 21st(the one I celebrated last month) are the best…my 18th bday was in Bangalore with my hostel mates and sister & jijaji…20th Bday in a camp in Army area,Pangode(tvm)….and this last bday in my home and in college with the best people in my life…..best people who I know will be with me throughout my life…..next Bday I might be physically away from them….but ill be in their hearts just as they will be in mine…I might never again have a Bday like the one I just had…but I hope for the sake of that day of the year ,I commit no mistake to hurt the feelings of my loved ones, commit no mistake that they wont be able to forgive, commit no mistake that would shatter my self-love or self-esteem…….

Anyway, that entire aside…this year’s Bday-22 September 2006 was in all sense a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Motivated and Disciplined!!

First year in college…
I knew I wont be just a studious 100% attendance holder in class, I need to be active in extra-curricular…so that am not just the best in class (that wasn’t enough for the insatiable devil in me)…I needed to be best in the college too…I have managed to be that (at least one among the bests) in both my prior schools….But I had my doubts…which activity?

Since I knew college demanded more time and more studies, I didn’t want to get into any activity that might demand my time and attention away from studies….so I decided to join any active Organization…the first organization I joined was N.S.S (National Service Scheme). The second was A.I.C.U.F(All India Catholic University Federation),I joined this group despite the fact that am not a catholic because the organizations activity mainly included social service, personality development, meditation, etc…then I joined N.C.C(National Cadet Corps)-the last but the most influential one….

An Army Officer (Lt.Col. Abraham Habbi) came to preside over the first year students’ gathering to give an orientation of the Organization was among the ones who sat in the balcony(silently admiring the Officer)..He gave a very impressive speech, the most inspiring speech in my entire life till then…and at the end of the meeting when he called forth all the students who wanted to join, I found myself lining up…

Even when I gave my name for enrollment, I wasn’t sure my parents would allow….a wonderful thanks to them. They gave me the green signal without any fuss….their only condition was-“No Compromise in Studies”, which I readily agreed to…

And from then, I joined NCC and have grown in the organization from a Cadet to a Senior Under Officer (SUO) and the Girls wing senior of the college…I conduct classes on spoken languages-English and Hindi(doing the Hindi bit is more tiresome specially because am in Kerala),I handle the cultural activity classes, I handle almost everything our college’s ANO(Assigned NCC Officer-is a professor of our college) deputes me to….all of these is not an easy task and specially now, when am in my final year of graduation…..But still I do it…

Final year in college…
Am I vain or proud? Or both??...I may be proud…to be a part of this wonderful organization. and am keen to give back to the organization by contributing to the new Cadets and arousing a deep interest in them…which Col. Abraham Habbi(he got promoted last year) invoked in me….My happiest moment was when I addressed this year’s(2006-2007) first year students in the same place in which Col. Habbi did 2 years back to a gathering including me….the response was wonderful…and I hope I have managed to motivate at least a few students in the way Habbi sir managed to motivate me…

Reservations

Seems like one of the topics, I won’t venture to write about??? Wrong…the reservation issue irked me like it did to lots of people.

Where is India leading itself to??
What happened to the constitution that stood firmly against caste discrimination??
Isn’t this reservation a positive discrimination of the so-called lower castes and a negative discrimination of the so-called upper castes??
Isn’t it high time we took off even the reservation that existed earlier??

The reservation is not only disheartening for the ineligible but also for those of us who are eligible. Isn’t such increased reservation trying to shout out several negative statements? Are the SC’s or ST’s any less competent? Are those of the so called upper castes so bloody competent that the others don’t stand a chance? Please; it is absolutely not the case.

The SCs, STs and OBCs are actually being lifted with a harsh rope which leaves a scar and pain whereas they have been gifted with wings by God to soar high just like everyone else.

In today’s scenario, when the society in general does not discriminate among castes in friendships, relations and interactions, why should there exist discrimination for educational and job opportunities. It seems outright unfair.

I am not against reservations. I understand there are sections in our society that need help to emerge as equals. The biggest discrimination society has is of the rich and the poor. Those downtrodden, poverty-stricken people must be given a hand of help-however not by quotas but by means of scholarships, sponsorships, financial assistance and the rest must be left on caliber. Even such reservations must not be given in job opportunities. Aid must be provided to study; to gain knowledge…the job-sector must be open to all in an unbiased manner on the recruiters or Government’s specific needs-not on the basis of which caste or creed one belongs to.

In today’s competitive world it is only fair that everyone demands equal opportunities and gets it. Human efficiency, caliber, dedication, aptitude must be considered not the caste into which one is born. When a person is apt but cannot financially back oneself; aid must be given.

I strongly feel so; but if anyone of you feels am wrong-then you can show me reason, if u feel am right-add on your feelings…my comment box is open for you all…..

School-2

My second school was Amrita Sanskrit H.S. School-one of the chain of Amrita Vidyalaya’s by Mata Amritanandamayi Amma’s Trust. My first impression-Yuck! Firstly the idea of coming to kerala leaving my school, friends and my Bhopal was too painful and unargeeable for me. I was in kerala only because I had no other way. And studying in a Demigod’s school….I had my doubts. Sanskrit school???Please, I‘d prefer to study in an English medium school. Yes I agree I did study Sanskrit too in my earlier school and Sheelpandya madam did a good job of teaching it, but please give me a language I am comfortable in-English, Hindi…
However since that was the closest school (in comparison to other reputed schools) and I could study from home and had no need to live in boarding and it was an english medium school(despite the name); I ended up in that school...
My first day in school is still afresh in my mind. The uniform was salwar kameez (my uniform in St. Theresa’s was a knee length tunic).the hair need not be tied in two, no compulsion on braiding the long hair, no compulsion on ribbons. One could wear heavy gold ornaments too (everyone did).no shoes and socks-one could wear their fanciest sandals to school. No tie and no belt. I had trouble myself getting accustomed to the uniform…I was used only to a small stud of gold earring and by habit, I hated wearing gold chains and earrings and bangles and rings…I remember my aunt coaxing me to wear at least one gold chain and two bangles to school…in school, I didn’t feel like I was in school at all…girls with long hair, let their hair loose and came to school wearing jasmine garlands in the hair. Wednesdays and Saturdays we could come to school in color dress…in my earlier school we could come to school in color dress on two occasions-one’s birthday and on children’s day.
I felt extremely out of place in the classroom…I sat in the last bench. I didn’t speak to anyone in class…the mode of explanation I found was Malayalam…though the syllabus was English medium and the ‘Sanskrit’ in the schools name was meant to let the public know that the school offers Sanskrit as a second language (not very common in kerala).i didn’t care for anyone in class…I was happy by myself .I used to speak quite audibly and mostly in English, which my classmates found to be strange (specially for a gal-Strange kerala) Who cared???Not me anyway. This lack of friends and the frustration I felt led me closer to studies- I was never a nerd, but I became one.
All this made me quite a disliked person in school. till date I don’t know how I got over it and how I became friends with not only my classmates, but my seniors,juniors,everyone.life became colorful once again…this school gave me the stage to perform in district and state level competitions and win. one remarkable thing this school managed to make me do was make me dance solo “nadodi nritham”-self learned; not only in school level competitions(in which I came first) but also in the district level(where I managed an A grade).I became the” Kala Thilakom” of the school…never before and never after did I dance solo. Happy I did when I did.
The school, teachers, my friends, my experiences have all added color to my life and am happy I joined it and nowhere else. Even today after 3 years of leaving the school; I freely enter the school staffroom and bask in the love my teachers shower, proudly and happily find juniors and seniors and classmates recognizing and remembering me, to be identified by teachers of schools I have never been to… And being a Demigod’s school-the school never did any activity I could accuse as uncivil. About the school rules (dress code, etc.)I now understand that’s the only way an Aided (by Govt.) school can be…I am happy and proud that I studied in the two best schools I could have ever come across-the schools have a major role in what I am today, how I am today, who I am today and whatever ill be in future…Hats off to my schools!!!

School-1

I miss my school more than anything…..of course my school life would be complete only with my friends, teachers and the Principal of those days. I have studied in two schools. In a Christian missionary school, St.Theresa’s Convent School in Bhopal (M.P) till my 10th and after that 2 years in Amrita Vidyalayam in Kerala. Life in both the schools was absolutely different.
My first school was a strict and extremely disciplined school. However strict it was, it was never rigid. It is there that I learned my values which I still hold fast (as much is humanly possible).It is there that I got the habit of being popular in school. The school made me believe in excellence and I still do. The school shaped my relationship tasks, it taught me independence, it taught me the smile and let go attitude…….It taught me so many things that it would be difficult to list everything the school gave and taught. Above all the School gave me the best years in my life.
Its said that a child’s most important developmental tasks are reinforced in school. Only a good and efficient school can aid in the balanced and timely development of a child. I am really grateful to my School for being everything I could ever expect from a School. It is because of my school that I bloomed into what I am now.
My second school was quite different from my first school……but no less colorful. About my experiences in that school…..I will soon post it.

Expectations

EXPECTATION
Expectation is one's biggest foe in life.
Expectation breeds disappointment and disappointment gives way to gloom.
Is it?????
I had a chapter in my English text “A Disappointed Man” by Robert Lynd .It dealt with this same theme of ‘expectation breeds disappointment’. The solution according to him was that we must not expect anything. We must anticipate worse to be happy with the result.
But I cannot agree. How can I? If at this age I don’t expect anything from life, when will I? My life is built up on expectations; expectations from others and myself. Mostly, I succeed in coming up to my expectation; at least I try. But several times I have been unable to come up to the expectations other’s set for me. Either they are too high for my caliber or I’m quite lazy. :-)
Expectations are my way of looking ahead lovingly at life. I expect wonderful things to happen to me and to people who are all part of my life. I expect good things to happen in future, so I work pleasantly in the present waiting for the joy. Life may not always be as good as I expected, but it has never been unlivable. I feel that is fair enough. I also tend not to expect too much from people. Simple things like love, respect, kindness, care, smile, trust are all I expect from others; because these are real ingredients that make life as happy as can be.
Yet there are times when people fall miserably below my expectation. My first reaction is always of disappointment. It’s because I usually put extra effort from my side to help people to come up to my expectation (because basically I am a human, with uncountable vices and prejudices).such disappointments always lodge in my heart for long durations in guise of sadness. Sadness is, by nature, very slow to recover.
It’s said a child burnt with hot milk fears even chilled curd. Anyway that child is not at all like me. I’d always give even hot milk a second or third chance, expecting it not to be as hot as before.
Because life is worth living only if one has an expectation from oneself or from the world…
Hail expectations!!!!!!!

Life is no where

“LIFEISNOWHERE”.
I got this as a sms and I read it as ‘life is no where’, a split second later I realized it also read ‘life is now here’.
I tend to brood over things a lot, so I kept pestering my mind asking if I was a pessimist. In normal life experiences I am quite optimistic. I always felt it is better to be like that-the more we frown at life the more life frowns at us. Then why did such a negative outlook creep into my reading.
Maybe am used to taking life in its smallest form that appears before me. That’s how life has always been for me. The issue at hand is of utmost priority and the consequences are often not quite thought about. I do think about them but maybe not as much as usually any sensible person would; for many times I have regretted my decisions. But that however helps me least in changing for good. I always enjoy taking what life brings-good or bad. I feel it adds to my life’s experience…
I need to have some real good life excerpts to relate to my kids in future. If I can’t learn from my mistakes, someday at least my kids can learn. I can reduce that much of trouble for them.
My parents come from a very conservative family, especially my mother. My dad did have an adventurous life (in comparative degree with my mother’s), But however it isn’t of much use to me. Two reasons-1). Being a girl his adventures can’t help me quite a lot as even in these days girls do not get the freedom boys of those days got(in south India) and so our situations in life would be quite different.2). My father dear has never been very expressive about the faults he committed in life (just a typical man).mothers are usually quite useful in relating their stories of adolescence and the mistakes they made. The intention is absolutely not to degrade themselves but to save their kids from a similar situation. But my mother was an innocent darling who never got the opportunity to commit mistakes (except maybe marrying my Dad, which again was not her mistake; her parents’ mistake, which she has been happily coping with for the past 30years). Yes, she has been able to guide me and my elder sister from mistakes she has seen others commit, just as I learned to avoid punishments watching and avoiding situations she got punished for.
See, how a small sms can put me on to think all this…… I cant restrict myself from thinking.
I can request my friends not to send me such provocative sms ……
What do you think????? Let me know.